'An evening fo performance at the Loft'

Ok, so assessments, externals etc are over and done for a few more months, and recently all my attention has supposed to have been focused on fixing up my thesis, and the performance workshop we've been doing in college. However, my concentration, as usual, has been nil.

I have come up with some sort of direction for the piece Im meant to perform next Tuesday, but so far I've barely been able to convince myself to write the text. That's why I'm back here trying to work it out! So here's the idea- The piece is somewhat inspired by the movie I am writing my thesis on 'Adaptation.' and another movie 'Stranger Than Fiction'. I'm not sure exactly what I'm getting at with it stemmed from the idea that I could have a conversation with the narrator/writer of my lifes story. Now it's a one way thing. There is a voice speaking about writing my life, but it is my voice. This is where I haven't worked it out fully, and don't really know if I should. The voice is me, my writer, my god or parent, all in one. honestly I couldn't tell you how this is meant to make sense, so i guess it's an experiment. and at the moment it's an experiment that's bound to fail because I still haven't started on the text. And the text is literally all that really matters in this piece. Eek!

I honestly have no idea if this can work at all, but I really like what it's getting at. The thing is the difference between this internal person that thinks, and the external one that lives and acts. (ever tried performing and realised you forgot to perform? just went on autopilot and realised you never engaged your brain? I have. this is that. the internal me can only really think, and no matter how resolved the thoughts are, they are often ineffective in real life. if that makes any sense). Anyway so this 'voice' has some control, but it's no god. It isn't ultimate control, and it isn't all knowing. It's scared and hates responsibilty. It's uncertain and self-doubting. It's got a lot of questions, that'll never be answered. Basically it's me, and my internal mind. Maybe this all sounds ok, I don't know, but there are so many issues still. How is this internal mind linked to the external body in the physical space of the theatre? And how do I get across that this voice and body are one and the same, as the body is completely deaf to the voice (the voice is not simply the thoughts of the body, but is to some extent seperated from the body. almost like a virtual avatar body is seperated from a mind. or how a persons conception of themself is seperated from their appearance to the world). How do I stop the voice from becoming the thoughts of the body? or a god figure? or a parent figure? And how do I keep the audience engaged without losing them in confusion? And how do I keep the story element of my life without letting the writer become an author (if a writer is the person who writes, but an author is the person who is in control of the meanig of the text)? I the character of the story must still have some control. But then do external influences have any control at all? even chaotic control? How does the voice refer to the character? She, we, I? And how do I write it so that it sounds better aloud than in text? And what exactly is the voice talking about? Her fears and responsibilities I guess. Her decisions and planning. Her inadequacies, and her relationship to the character?? How muuch is too much, and what must be included? It's all rather difficult and complicated, but that's good right? Confusion is Charlie Kaufman's favourite word. I just gotta learn to use it.

Ok I better go and try to write again, so I can start working on ideas for the set, and then perhaps get some sleep!