Saturday, October 23, 2010

Philosophy Forum has been a series of strange experiences in an ordinary day!
Somehow today i stumbled across a philosophy forum, and decided to join in order to be able to read everything etc. Somehow though I felt it necessary to comment on a post that claimed art is useless and unimportant. And my comment got a response. It feels very strange to openly, in front of a world of philosophy enthuasiasts to be having a conversation about anything, least of all what feel like a conversation oof my ideas. At first it felt great, jamalrobreplied argeeing with sone of what I had said, and also raising some issues I had not considered in my argument. I agreed with him on my mistakes, and short of one last, slightly thought through point I decided to leave it there. However, he did reply again. Part of this was a quote from Oscar Wilde, a lot of which I disagreed with. This is where I really began to feel the strange situation I had gotten myself into. I almost continued to disagree with Oscar Wilde online in front of a community of philosophy enthuasiasts! What was I thinking! I was so far out of my depth it was incredible. Yet I really wanted to humbly put forward my points along with a discreditor acknowledging my own lack of education. ?!?!?!?!
Somehow I went to wondering if I had started to become part of a community and could have my opinions heard and respected (I know this is ridiculous considering my lack of knowledge of philosophy), to feeling completely out of my depth, yet there is always the possibility that any number of the other users are on a similar level to me, beginners with (what they/we perceive as) good ideas, wanting to discuss, debate and understand furher. Who knows?
It's just so weird to have some guy presumably half way across the world take an interest in my comments, agreement or disagreement!

Friday, October 22, 2010

just an update

so after a few weeks of struggle i feel pretty much back on track; its no easy sailing, but now i get that thats what happens!! so, thesis- not exactly figured it out yet but either going to write about charlie kaufmans amazing movies in general, or just 'adaptation'. i wanna write about its effect on the audience but thats proving trickier than i expected. im hoping reception theory will rescue me, along with notions of self-reflexivity but who knows. i still have an awful bad habit of letting other interesting areas (namely photography and notions of reality) creep in to my research and take over, which is very dangerous considering the time restrictions im faced with. and studio-nothing has happened as of yet and if im honest im still far too scared to start thinking about it really. its probably going to have to wait until wednesday when the thesis draft is done, which leaves very little time before progress reviews, especially when you take into account halloween and a friends 21st, but here goes, watch and learn! (i mean from my mistakes, cause im not so amazing as to be proving anything at this point!!!)
and thats the update. dont think i have anything else really to add. oh maybe i should mention that my (very limited number of) thoughts about studio have been geared towards returning to self and identity perhaps. im not as fascinated by sight, perception anymore, and dont feel the need to pursue photography right now either. whatever happens, cross your fingers for me!

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

dorothy cross and then the second years

im not sure but this might become a daily thing!
and today an amazing thing happened...dorothy cross came to the college! unfortunately i spent all day waiting around for a tutorial (and in the end she never got round to me!) and i was on such a buzz I got absolutely no work done but all-in-all it was a great day. she gave a lecture and i got a general feeling about what its like to be an artist and how to work as one. that was pretty great. i learned way more but ive already forgotten what! not such a good sign.
anywho the other thing i did today was speak to the second years about research, and advice about doing the course in general. I gave them all the advice id give to my younger self, which may not be nearly as useful to them as it might have been to the younger me (god knows whether or not i would have taken it on board back then). anyway it was nice to rehash, and it helped me realise the last few years havent been as disasterous as i usually like to think. ive learned one main lesson and thats that i work slowly. its a good thing, but i can work on it...the more work i do the more there will be to look back on to critique, and possibly the sooner ill be able to do so.
not a bad day, but next time i work through the nervous, excited feeling and make MORE of the day!

Monday, October 11, 2010

the hard way to learn lessons.

unfortunately this blog ahs sort of become a place that i rant at myself, but i like the diary feel to it...not as a literary piee, but as a personal's nice to use it to recap, and to rant, and generally feel i can say whatever i want without worrying about how it is perceived (too much!).
so what do i have to say today? hmmm....well the last few hours ive started working on some issues ive been struggling with. here goes. my biggest problem recently has been that i just dont want to make art. this has been bothering me on and off for a very long time but today was a day where i admitted honestly the main reason for that probably has nothing to do with art, and more to do with the pressure of college- because i have to i dont want to, simple as. its very possible that i in fact do want to, just not under these conditions! im spiting myself. then there is the problem of what to make and although i havent resolved this or discovered a way to resolve this i feel better about it. there are options. plenty. my problem is probably that i dont want to start in case i dont like it, or it isnt 'good art' or something, but i am also aware that i just have to start making stuff. to be honest im just being lazy about hard work and hard decisions. finding stuff out and being organised. id love to just come up with ideas and have someone else follw them through. i wonder is there a gap in the market for this type of person?!!!!!!
its kind of depressing but basically i have to get off my ass and start! stop being stopped! and definitely stop waiting.
something i learned recently is that by not spending time alone you wont get need to stop and think every know and then, be alone with your thoughts.
that weight that had started to lift less than an hour ago is starting ot descend again at the thought that i have to make (or do) something tomorrow. i want to figure out what it is today, but maybe i shouldnt? ok...tomorrow i will spend at least 3 hours making something that relates to the skin idea i was working on before and today realised still has potential, and maybe more than i gave it credit for at the time. 3 hours isnt very long..ive wasted so many more in the last few weeks.
something else i wanted to mention here is that today i reconsidered the skin project i was working on early last year. it actually had a lot going for it. it worked with issues of identity, and captivity. the idea that the skin/flesh is a vessel. the idea that if we could choose our skin everyday the way we choose our clothes we could literally present a different personality. ideas of multiple personalities. ideas about the exposure of skin, and skin as carnal. its a kind of funny idea, choosing your own skin, halloween costume-esque. (as an after-thought, i think i also liked the casting!)
i dont know if this means i should go there again and do it better, of continue with the photography stuff, or look for something else all together. the photography project was to deal with ideas such as the camera as eye(?), the violence of the camera, image as object, the true and the false in imagery, the narrative.
what else could i look at? well id have to start with my influences- synecdoche NY has definitely been one of my strongest influences of recent-ish times. im mad about the way he deals with insanity, how things spiral out of control, contradiction, the plight of the writer, his own personal issues (presumably) and very importantly how he uses such an exaggerated, unrealistic story to reflect on reality (i guess thats the mingling of the mind[daydreams, thoughts] with reality).
think ive said loosing track of myself!

Friday, October 8, 2010

skip to the second paragraph! (blah blah blah)

As usual, I am back at square one....doing nothing and with no desire to do anything (oh, except there is the fear of not doing anything, thats probably running in my favour!!!). After three weeks of hard-work mondays and no-work every other day Im getting extremely sick of my own company. I mean I know how important it is to start working and now, doing anything at all, I as usual just dont want to! I know Im no waster for the amount of college work I produce I may as well be.
Now, one of the reasons for my spiral of depression started with a really great conversation with my tutor. She helped me work out that maybe taking photographs isnt actually what I want to do. In a way what I am doing is rejecting the authority of the photograph. And perhaps taking photographs is not the best way to do that, although Im bginning to feel that maybe it is. Like, what better way to undermine the medium than by using the medium; it lets you get to grips with is an dbegin to understand it. Perhaps what I need to do is get back into the dark room and 'get a feel' for Image-Making. Essentially that is what Im at so I guess I really should be 'making' the images myself. Yes, this idea pleases me. better go try that...just as well I have a film almost ready to be developed!