the hard way to learn lessons.

unfortunately this blog ahs sort of become a place that i rant at myself, but i like the diary feel to it...not as a literary piee, but as a personal diary...it's nice to use it to recap, and to rant, and generally feel i can say whatever i want without worrying about how it is perceived (too much!).
so what do i have to say today? hmmm....well the last few hours ive started working on some issues ive been struggling with. here goes. my biggest problem recently has been that i just dont want to make art. this has been bothering me on and off for a very long time but today was a day where i admitted honestly the main reason for that probably has nothing to do with art, and more to do with the pressure of college- because i have to i dont want to, simple as. its very possible that i in fact do want to, just not under these conditions! im spiting myself. then there is the problem of what to make and although i havent resolved this or discovered a way to resolve this i feel better about it. there are options. plenty. my problem is probably that i dont want to start in case i dont like it, or it isnt 'good art' or something, but i am also aware that i just have to start making stuff. to be honest im just being lazy about hard work and hard decisions. finding stuff out and being organised. id love to just come up with ideas and have someone else follw them through. i wonder is there a gap in the market for this type of person?!!!!!!
its kind of depressing but basically i have to get off my ass and start! stop being stopped! and definitely stop waiting.
something i learned recently is that by not spending time alone you wont get anywhere...you need to stop and think every know and then, be alone with your thoughts.
that weight that had started to lift less than an hour ago is starting ot descend again at the thought that i have to make (or do) something tomorrow. i want to figure out what it is today, but maybe i shouldnt? ok...tomorrow i will spend at least 3 hours making something that relates to the skin idea i was working on before and today realised still has potential, and maybe more than i gave it credit for at the time. 3 hours isnt very long..ive wasted so many more in the last few weeks.
something else i wanted to mention here is that today i reconsidered the skin project i was working on early last year. it actually had a lot going for it. it worked with issues of identity, and captivity. the idea that the skin/flesh is a vessel. the idea that if we could choose our skin everyday the way we choose our clothes we could literally present a different personality. ideas of multiple personalities. ideas about the exposure of skin, and skin as carnal. its a kind of funny idea, choosing your own skin, halloween costume-esque. (as an after-thought, i think i also liked the casting!)
i dont know if this means i should go there again and do it better, of continue with the photography stuff, or look for something else all together. the photography project was to deal with ideas such as the camera as eye(?), the violence of the camera, image as object, the true and the false in imagery, the narrative.
what else could i look at? well id have to start with my influences- synecdoche NY has definitely been one of my strongest influences of recent-ish times. im mad about the way he deals with insanity, how things spiral out of control, contradiction, the plight of the writer, his own personal issues (presumably) and very importantly how he uses such an exaggerated, unrealistic story to reflect on reality (i guess thats the mingling of the mind[daydreams, thoughts] with reality).
think ive said enough...im loosing track of myself!