Self-Criticism

This is a piece I did twice. it's basically that I've written on my face the things I say to myself trying to cop myself on. The stuff that bugs me about myself. It needs to be flipped around because it's a mirror image at the mo. And It needs something, like better lighting or camera, or clearer writting, im not sure!

TETRIS

The exhibition opens in 3 nights time!!!!!!! Should be a good night!!!!!

Personality

Personality is defined as the enduring personal characteristics of individuals

Scribble drawings in stitches!

Im going to write this down quickly in case I forget.....I want to make some of my scribble drawings on canvas by stitching it in!!!!

The Beauty of being a genius

Genius = To Give Birth
We are all geniuses!

Games I used to Play

Tip-the-can (40-40)
Climbing (walls, trees, doorframes, playground equipment, anything)
Schools
Tea parties
Fancy Dress
Puzzles
Baby Doll
Forts(Build a fort and play in it all day)
Gymnastics
Hide and Seek in the Dark
Blind Mans Buff
Board Games (Ludo, Dreamphone, Snakes and Ladders, Chess, Draughts, Bop it)
Dares
Food Castles
Diggin in the sand
Cops and Robbers
Red Rover
Tennis-ish games
Card games (Rummy, Spit, Race Cars, Solitaire, Kemps, Whist, 21, Poker)
Dance Routines, Climbing routines
baking
Pingpong Balls
Marbles
Pick up stix
Jacks!
Polly Pockets
Tomogotches
Twister
Connect 4
Downfall
Whos who?
Scrabble

"Play: Activity that is not required, but is enjoyed."

i just found this website page that explains exactly what Ive ben getting at.
I dont have time right ow to rereasd through it, but the gist Im getting from it is that play is how kids develop, learn and express themselves. Im not sure if this is great or terrible from my point of view but Im hoping to make the most of this new info. It explains the importance of play, and the different ways we play at different stages. Im not sure how to interpret it for adults but I plan to continue to look into it more. That will probably direct me where I want to go next.

Life and Confusion

I accidently spent the last half hour looking at quotes about 'life'. Its dangerous, dont do it. Its made me aware of my confusion. The things I believe and the things I hope for conflict. I believe in no regrets, everything is good, in the future looking back because we learn from everything. But everything is good then life is too easy. If I was able to commit myself to this idea I would be passive. The quote I was trying to find goes like this:

The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk,mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a common place thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars.....

So what to think? Dont think. feel. life happens, its ambiguous, uncontrollable, powerful and affecting. Its amazing and beautiful, its soft and shy, its easy to miss. Its spectacular. But I miss it. I think about it, instead of experiencing it. I dont want to be self indulgent here, but I want to understand, to correct, yet what I understand is its ambiguous, outside of my intelligence, it feels outside of my reach. How do I learn to appreciate it? in my logic, risk loosing it. fear. Fear is untouchable. Its life touching me, grabbing me and putting me in a place outside of my control, outside of my intelligence. Its life and its powerful and its how I feel. I forget that its good. And thats good. Its not a thought. Thus, my attempts at perfection are fruitless always, because hey are attempts, decisions, not a natural progression. what do I do? nothing? will that leave me back where I am or will my decision not to change anything change everything? Is it all invalid now because I hsve considered it? Now you see my difficulty. Life confuses me. Life, it just happens. Relax and let it. ?

words of wisdom from somewhere unknown

When people see some things as beautiful, other things become ugly. When people see some things as good, other things become bad. Being and non-being create each other. Difficult and easy support each other. Long and short define each other. High and low depend on each other. Before and after follow each other. Therefore the Master acts without doing anything and teaches without saying anything. Things arise and she lets them come; things disappear and she lets them go. She has but doesn't possess, acts but doesn't expect. When her work is done, she forgets it. That is why it lasts forever

Just do it

Decisions

Right, decisions need to be made. I need to decide what it is I am working on for the exhibition.Theres two thoughts in my head at the moment.....The scribbles I do are still one of my favourite things Ive done this year, and I want to do more with them. The other thought is this: The topics Ive been tackling are too big and wide, Id like to simplify it to maybe, aimlessness. Maybe take me out of it, and all the other connotations Ive been working on. Just portray seemingly aimless activities and see where I get!!!!!!!!

Painted Scribbles

As part of my course I have to do a painting elective, last night I attempted to "paint" my scribbles!!!!!
Im not sure I like how they look, or if Ill ever be able to call them paintings, but I like that they are definitely personal to me...nobody else could ever make them, but I also think I like how my eye mves across the fabric from one colour/image to the next.

Artist Statement

Oh...I did a sort of piece today. As soon as I get it edited Ill put it up because its 30mins long at the mo!!!! Its an aimless act...drawing boxes, then either putting ticks or Xs in each one. I like bits of it. Before I made it I hoped it would be the case that while watching it the audience would predict their way to fill each box, and begin to see themselves as different to me, but that doesnt come across. I am interested in the use of positive and negative in it, in relation to my criticism of myself and popular opinion of me as the happiest person ever, but again, I dont see it as a good piece of art. I might film it again with a better camera angle. Here are some pics I took of the paper after.

Where do I go now?

Is there any such thing as spontaneous or aimless??? I mean sure ideas can come suddenly, but personally I rarely do it immediately, I PLAN to do it someday. Aimless is "without a purpose". Even with scribbling I do it for a reason. Or do I? I guess I just do it because I want to. I know thats a good enough reason, but what good is it to anyone else? what good is it as art?
Carsten Hollers slides are amazing to me because they achieve what I was trying to achieve by giving the public crayons and paper.....a moment of fun, out of the ordinary, a moment for yourself. How can I develop on that? I keep thinking the difference between mine and his is that mine required audience participation, but so did his. A leap of faith in themselves? but so did his. AND these are aspects of art that Id like to bring to the audience. Perhaps I just dont trust them to take that leap and give themselves up to become the art. I should leave that up to each individual. So how can I do something similar???
This means that Im looking at doing an interactive piece. I like it but I do feel like theres not enough art in that for me. I need an object to call the art, perhaps something that Ive made. Could I change it up again and switch it back to video, showing me doing fun stuff like scribbling, sliding, cartwheeling, climbing trees, etc?? Im worried that that would have me looking like a crazy person again like in the Kid Project series of pictures. Hmm.
I like the idea of me looking like a crazy person, but im worried it would be off putting rather than appealling. But maybe theres a project here and I can just start it!!!!!
Thabnks for listening!

My Fears Today

So today I went to shoot the footage of me Crazy Dancing. I was terrified of doing it in front of people and also quite uncomfortable doing it alone!! I really wasnt happy with myself about that for a simple reason...Its been pointed out to me that some of my favourite artists are the ones like Marina Abramovic who put themselves in extreme situations and overcome them. I admire that and struggle is good, but I came close to chickening out! Guess Im delighted that I didnt (Thanks Luke!!!).
Anyway, after the first few seconds I didnt like it! Big mistake that I brought no music, but besides that I just really feel that it doeant fit my own brief set out in my artists statement . It feels like it disproves the ideas. But I do see possibilities in it for a piece outside of my expectations so we continued filming in different places around teh college until the battery died! Now I have technical problems....I cant get the footage onto a computer because Im missing cables, and Ive no charger so thats also a problem. The question of where to go now is difficult to answer. I havent even seen most of the footage. (mental note: technical issues always set you back days, allow for this).
Im reconsidering doing this piece at all for the exhibition but if I can Im gonna get it finished on time anyway, but Id rather like to be working on something I have more personal interest in, although I am scared that my in work I often end up deciding Ive disproved my own theory. Maybe the best thing I can do is use the piece anyway, and let people draw their own conclusions.

Me V me

Theres a few more ideas running through my head that I seem to want to get down here too.
Im really interested in comparisons. It occured to me at the weekend that they are very important to my project. I am intent on changing myself to become more the person I want to be, but amnt sure how much of me CAN be changed. This is where the issue of the Core Self becomes huge. How much of me is the way I am and efforts to change it would be futile, and how much of me is a creature of habit? Im interested in comparing the person I am now and the person I am trying to become, having learned from my experiences. I dont yet know how Im going to do that.

Where Im at Now

So at the moment me and my classmates are working towards an exhibition of sculpture and combined media which you can check out at http://www.makeanddospciety.blogspot.com/
Anyway, the point is that that is putting pressure on me to come up with a finished piece in 2 and a half weeks!!!!!!!!! ya im basically screwed! Ive decided to do a video piece and the plan is its going to be based on the crazy dancing technique i mentioned earlier. To explain im going to quote my own artists statement!

I am interested in the idea that everyone has a Core Self and that we build on this Self through our experiences. I am exploring the ways My Self is revealed through spontaneous and seemingly aimless activities.

The idea of the Core Self is quite hard for me to explain but its the idea that we each have a core personality that IS who we are. Its been there since the day we were borna nd will be there until the day we die. Everything else in our characters is variable and changes during and after experiences or events. Its my opinion that the best way to reveal these 'original' characteristics is through 'spontaneous and seemingly aimless activities', that is, the things you do without thinking, the things you like just because you like them, the places you go when youve nowhere to go.

I have to admit theres a flaw in my plan. Crazy Dancing is something slightly different for me...its a release from everyday life, but its not something I do spontaneously. well, the decision to do it is rarely spontaneous but the movements are. like scribbling, it cant be done right or wrong, it can only be done Your way. My plan for the exhibition is to video myself doing crazy dancing in the places that I go to when ive no where else to be and work with the footage.

Im inclined to say "fingers crossed it will actually work" but what I mean is "It may be difficult to make it work but I know I can do it."